"Agents of Secret Stuff"

Today I am feeling a bit melancholy.
It is for good reason. I am waiting for my significant other to move back home. It is weird because we are in the same house together like two strangers that aren't strangers at all bumping into to one another. Its very difficult, and quite sad at times.
We talked about dating when he got home again but....something seems off. It seems like his heart isn't in it. I can never truly trust my interpretation of others as I am so freakin crazy myself.
I'm just tired.
School is burning me out. Life is burning me out.
Well one thing is for sure...none of us will make it out alive.

City of eternal winter

Well it's a new morning in the City of Sunshine. That name is misleading yet entirely true. First, we do receive average of more than 300 sunny days a year. Which is a lot I suppose although I can't say I've noticed a big difference in any other place I have lived. What they forget to mention is that it is high desert at about 4050 feet in elevation....which makes it cold during winter, oh and although it gets a lot of sun it also get a lot of snow. Our winter runs for something crazy like October to May. Yeah eternal winter, or at least that is what it feels like. People around here get pretty depressed during winter from being shut in for so long. I personally can't stand the cold so I avoid going out into it as much as I can. Unfortunately that is like several times a day because college and work make me HAVE to go out in it. Brrr. I think I would happy to never leave my house.
In the summer that's an entirely different story.
Can you tell I am waiting for summer. I am hoping that it will bring me some peace and serenity. Some good times. Some happiness. Something.

I sit here on this Friday night reflecting upon my life. It has been one long crazy ride. Often it tires me to try to recall most of it. Sometimes I just say to myself..."Was that me? Did I really do that?" And all to often the answer to my question is a "Unfortunately I believe it was."
All of the turns I have taken, the battles I fought and lost or even more amazingly won. I see my lifelong struggle with myself. I am tired. I am tired of being tired. I don't regret it though because one day this will be an amazing story to tell. The whole thing....if I can remember it.

You know its funny, but as I sit here getting ready to write a speech on 15 minutes of fame I notice an entry from 2004 says something about being live from New York...funny that is exactly what I will be talking about.
And how am I, I may ask myself?
As usual I am an absolute disaster zone. As David Smallen sings "So your life is a landslide mine is too..."
BUT...I have not resorted to drinking this time. YAY! I think that my 15 minutes of fame really changed my life. Oh, I should perhaps tell the tale.
So, after a string of unfortunate things that seemed like real relationships and Leon killing himself I was overwhelmed, once again, and began drinking HARD. I mean a fifth of Whiskey a day hard. I even would take it with a methadone chaser until I almost killed myself doing it.
So my daughter signs me up for the Tyra Banks show for my drinking, next thing I know Im on the Tyra Banks show, for a "Party Girl" episode. Only it wasn't really me. I wasn't like these girls, didn't fit the description, plus I had already started tapering off the alcohol by then. I went for the adventure. It was more torturous than adventurous. It did however let me take a long hard look at myself and make the changes that needed to be made. And no, I didn't do anything embarrassing...well not on tape.