I sit here on this Friday night reflecting upon my life. It has been one long crazy ride. Often it tires me to try to recall most of it. Sometimes I just say to myself..."Was that me? Did I really do that?" And all to often the answer to my question is a "Unfortunately I believe it was."
All of the turns I have taken, the battles I fought and lost or even more amazingly won. I see my lifelong struggle with myself. I am tired. I am tired of being tired. I don't regret it though because one day this will be an amazing story to tell. The whole thing....if I can remember it.

You know its funny, but as I sit here getting ready to write a speech on 15 minutes of fame I notice an entry from 2004 says something about being live from New York...funny that is exactly what I will be talking about.
And how am I, I may ask myself?
As usual I am an absolute disaster zone. As David Smallen sings "So your life is a landslide mine is too..."
BUT...I have not resorted to drinking this time. YAY! I think that my 15 minutes of fame really changed my life. Oh, I should perhaps tell the tale.
So, after a string of unfortunate things that seemed like real relationships and Leon killing himself I was overwhelmed, once again, and began drinking HARD. I mean a fifth of Whiskey a day hard. I even would take it with a methadone chaser until I almost killed myself doing it.
So my daughter signs me up for the Tyra Banks show for my drinking, next thing I know Im on the Tyra Banks show, for a "Party Girl" episode. Only it wasn't really me. I wasn't like these girls, didn't fit the description, plus I had already started tapering off the alcohol by then. I went for the adventure. It was more torturous than adventurous. It did however let me take a long hard look at myself and make the changes that needed to be made. And no, I didn't do anything embarrassing...well not on tape.

"I like birds" - Eels

Something occurred to me the other day, as I was standing outside a bird flew overhead.  While watching it struggle in the wind I realized it was a great analogy of life.
This bird was struggling in fairly high winds to stay on course. The wind was blowing it away from its course time and time again. Yet it would fly right back to attempt to continue its course.
About this time, I realized that this little bird struggling against the wind was a lot like we are. Even though it knew where it wanted to be and how to get there. It was constantly being blown off course and in response it kept fighting its way back to where it wanted to be.
This is a lot like life. We may know where we want to go, and we may also understand the course that we need to follow to get there but all of the knowing and understanding of the world will not save us from being blown off our path.
And we have more than wind, inclement weather, and an occasional predator or airplane to worry about. There are so many possibilities that just about anything can happen to us and blow us right off that path.
The scariest part of being blown off of our path and getting knocked on our asses is that we can just give up. The only person who we let down in the end is ourselves, but if we choose not to be blown off our path permanently and we dust ourselves off and get back on our path instead we can achieve great things.
Watching that little bird made me realize that I'd let the wind blow me clear around the world. And I hadn't even noticed it. I just went with it. I accepted it.
Don't get me wrong, excepting reality is a great thing to be able to do. If you can accept reality, then you're not usually tied into a bunch of irrational beliefs and are not always feeling hurt by getting let down, because you're not attached to ideals you don't need.
But... Excepting reality doesn't mean you need to give up on your life either.
Somewhere along the way of the last several years. I have really lost sight of who I am and who I wanted to be.

Thanks to that little bird... I'm going places!

"And I came into the world a walkin talkin disaster!" - Black 47

Well....
I'm alive still. I know, you can breath now. I forgot all about this thing. My life is some seriously weird dismal type balancing act... I can't sort it out... I have no direction.
What has changed?
Leon Hicks died... 9 years of friendship, Poof! He killed himself this past December and I took it all rather hard... ok I became an out and out alcoholic. Im okay now (I guess)
In school again (yes another degree, not art this time okay... happy!!)Psychology.
Another divorce.
Oh yeah a few relationships gone wild....

But yes...I am still around, the world has not had enough of me yet! Lucky me!!

Wow time flies and I havent posted in a long time. I have had a lot happen since dec. I love my new house and enjoy working on it. I got as a job as librarian but had to quit because I am tired all the time, doctors aren't sure why. I am opening my own interior design busniess check out my NEW site... www.designinghq.com.

Well thats about it.
Amy

It's me again. I am trying to keep active so my back stops hurting. Sitting upright seems to help. We get the keys to our house today! So exciting! I need to find something fun to do. Hmmm. If anyone knows of any fun time wasters online let me know!
Amy

Okay well I am alive! Although this is without a doubt the worst pain I have ever experienced. I thought I was going die when I woke up after surgery. We get our house today. They brought the papers to us to sign yesterday since I couldnt walk. :)
Here is a link to see a picture of the house: http://realtor.com/Prop/1041479773
Copy and paste it. It will be repainted next summer, white and black with a red door. Right now it is UGLY. But it has alot of potential and we will have fun restoring it.
I am on my third day since the surgery and am able to sit in the computer desk chair so I guess I am recovering well. I can't wait until I am all better.
Well Happy New Years everyone.
Amy

Hello,
Well just to let everyone know. I went for my surgery friday and everything is OK I am on the mend at the Sheraton in Maryland. Woohoo, actually its boring and I am hurting but I am healing and hopefully this surgery will work and I wont hurt again for a long time. Who knows guess I will see.

I have been on hold for 20 minutes trying to cancel stamps.com. Isn' t this bad customer service? I guess they don't care if you are cancelling.

I just voted for Kerry, although I wish we had more choices than just Bush or Kerry. Bush is a dolt and Kerry who is atleast literate does not really impress either. It's like the lesser of two evils. I should have just wrote myself in. What am I talking about, I don't trust my decisions either!

Its....Amy! Live from New York. Ok not really but that would be a trip! Okay I fell off the planet and got lost in outer space for a while, as I am sure I will do again soon. Surprise its me Im posting to my BLOG. Doesnt Blog sound like a cold?
Doctor: Im sorry you have a blog. Take two of these and call me in the morning!
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I am such a goof ball. :)
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My Uncle died today after a very long battle with pancreatic cancer keep his family in your prayers. He can now live happily without pain and hopefully meet a pretty great guy! :)
~O0O~
I have been working like a dog - where did this saying come? I have never seen a dog work at all. Lets try that again.
I have been working like a ant. After all I am realitively small in the universe. I dont really carry twice my weight on my back but grandma is heavy. I dont carry her on my back either but some days it feels as if I may have.
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I have not had time for much personal, spiritual or any type of growth. It is hard on the whole family, Grandma got worse, hopefully she will get better soon and I can have the weekends off again.
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I have been going to gym fairly regularly to try to maintain some type of good health, I really dont like to workout but I have no choice, doing nothing did not seem to work to well!

okay ththththththats all fffffolks!

If I could only be regular enough to remember that I have this thing. I have tons of interesting things to say but it seems like a shame to waste them here where no one will read them!

I took a vitamin today and it actually made me feel better. I often wonder if there is any real value in any pill but hey I feel more awake. :) Now I can think a little clearer. Smile even. Hey this is okay, maybe Ill do this everyday.

Is it possible to be so tired you brain stops functioning? You are just running on automated responses. I am on auto pilot please don't wake me up.

There is nothing consistent about me. It is really annoying to not be able to depend on yourself.