I try to remain a bit vague in this blog and delve to far into my crazy personal life. Sometimes, well actually most of the time it affects my daily functioning far to much. So here I am again making small catastrophes of my life...."tiny explosion" if you will. I don't believe unconditional love exists anymore, in fact I am having a hard time placing faith in the concept of love. Do we love others or just love ourselves with others. I have heard the argument we can only love ourselves and that affects the relationships around us. If this is in fact true then I better figure out how to treat myself with compassion, respect, and kindness. Why do I push away the good people and embrace the horrible ones? With all that said it is a beautiful spring day outside and my heart is hurting and not for the reasons you would suspect.

Hello world,
I am up way too late, have tests I am not studying for and am addicted to Korean drama so I am pretty much useless. I am my own worst enemy sometimes. I must pass my classes this term! I wonder why I cant seem to put forth the effort that is required to not be a loser? Oh my!! Maybe I am a loser!!! YIKES! No way I am awesome. Who am I trying to convince, myself.
So I was thinking I should really make a huge change in my life. I was born for adventure, impulsive decisions, and leaping before looking, why stop now. My goal is to leave this life, NO NOT NOW! Geesh lighten up! But to leave this world with the knowledge that I really lived it.
Now let see how can I do it? Hmmmm.

(2/2) I have one more way to remember! ^^

(1/2) Testing out being able to blog from my phone! If this works i may actually have the time to blog! Okay lets be honest ... I will still forget! But now

So I am trying to maintain the flow but I feel like I might get drowned by my school schedule this term. I am only two weeks in and it seems to be pretty intense and I cant seem to make myself study. .....I am so annoying.
:)

Excuse me will the real slim shady please stand up!
I have no idea why that just went through my head, but then again I must wonder where most of the things my brain concocts comes from. I have had it pretty good this year, killing myself off to finish school and I had a pretty amazing December.
This is notable because December is usually the worst month of my life. All the horrible things seem to happen upon me in December.
I decided to take a risk (which for anyone that knows me is not that crazy) and fly to New Jersey and hang out with a guy I met online! It turned out to be the trip of a lifetime! I spent time running around New York with him seeing the sites, went to Atlantic City and had some fun there too! Over all it was wonderful, he treated me like a princess and I doubt I will be treated like that again (if I am I will appreciate it though). I came home high off of a great adventure with good food and good memories. It was amazing! So for that I thank Li. Wherever he may be in the future, I will always have a soft spot in my heart for him.
Then I came home 4 days before Christmas and we had a wonderful Christmas with friends and family. Over all it was the greatest end to a painful year!
(On a side note, I had shoulder surgery 11/16 and was traipsing around New York in a sling!!)

"Agents of Secret Stuff"

Today I am feeling a bit melancholy.
It is for good reason. I am waiting for my significant other to move back home. It is weird because we are in the same house together like two strangers that aren't strangers at all bumping into to one another. Its very difficult, and quite sad at times.
We talked about dating when he got home again but....something seems off. It seems like his heart isn't in it. I can never truly trust my interpretation of others as I am so freakin crazy myself.
I'm just tired.
School is burning me out. Life is burning me out.
Well one thing is for sure...none of us will make it out alive.

City of eternal winter

Well it's a new morning in the City of Sunshine. That name is misleading yet entirely true. First, we do receive average of more than 300 sunny days a year. Which is a lot I suppose although I can't say I've noticed a big difference in any other place I have lived. What they forget to mention is that it is high desert at about 4050 feet in elevation....which makes it cold during winter, oh and although it gets a lot of sun it also get a lot of snow. Our winter runs for something crazy like October to May. Yeah eternal winter, or at least that is what it feels like. People around here get pretty depressed during winter from being shut in for so long. I personally can't stand the cold so I avoid going out into it as much as I can. Unfortunately that is like several times a day because college and work make me HAVE to go out in it. Brrr. I think I would happy to never leave my house.
In the summer that's an entirely different story.
Can you tell I am waiting for summer. I am hoping that it will bring me some peace and serenity. Some good times. Some happiness. Something.

I sit here on this Friday night reflecting upon my life. It has been one long crazy ride. Often it tires me to try to recall most of it. Sometimes I just say to myself..."Was that me? Did I really do that?" And all to often the answer to my question is a "Unfortunately I believe it was."
All of the turns I have taken, the battles I fought and lost or even more amazingly won. I see my lifelong struggle with myself. I am tired. I am tired of being tired. I don't regret it though because one day this will be an amazing story to tell. The whole thing....if I can remember it.

You know its funny, but as I sit here getting ready to write a speech on 15 minutes of fame I notice an entry from 2004 says something about being live from New York...funny that is exactly what I will be talking about.
And how am I, I may ask myself?
As usual I am an absolute disaster zone. As David Smallen sings "So your life is a landslide mine is too..."
BUT...I have not resorted to drinking this time. YAY! I think that my 15 minutes of fame really changed my life. Oh, I should perhaps tell the tale.
So, after a string of unfortunate things that seemed like real relationships and Leon killing himself I was overwhelmed, once again, and began drinking HARD. I mean a fifth of Whiskey a day hard. I even would take it with a methadone chaser until I almost killed myself doing it.
So my daughter signs me up for the Tyra Banks show for my drinking, next thing I know Im on the Tyra Banks show, for a "Party Girl" episode. Only it wasn't really me. I wasn't like these girls, didn't fit the description, plus I had already started tapering off the alcohol by then. I went for the adventure. It was more torturous than adventurous. It did however let me take a long hard look at myself and make the changes that needed to be made. And no, I didn't do anything embarrassing...well not on tape.

"I like birds" - Eels

Something occurred to me the other day, as I was standing outside a bird flew overhead.  While watching it struggle in the wind I realized it was a great analogy of life.
This bird was struggling in fairly high winds to stay on course. The wind was blowing it away from its course time and time again. Yet it would fly right back to attempt to continue its course.
About this time, I realized that this little bird struggling against the wind was a lot like we are. Even though it knew where it wanted to be and how to get there. It was constantly being blown off course and in response it kept fighting its way back to where it wanted to be.
This is a lot like life. We may know where we want to go, and we may also understand the course that we need to follow to get there but all of the knowing and understanding of the world will not save us from being blown off our path.
And we have more than wind, inclement weather, and an occasional predator or airplane to worry about. There are so many possibilities that just about anything can happen to us and blow us right off that path.
The scariest part of being blown off of our path and getting knocked on our asses is that we can just give up. The only person who we let down in the end is ourselves, but if we choose not to be blown off our path permanently and we dust ourselves off and get back on our path instead we can achieve great things.
Watching that little bird made me realize that I'd let the wind blow me clear around the world. And I hadn't even noticed it. I just went with it. I accepted it.
Don't get me wrong, excepting reality is a great thing to be able to do. If you can accept reality, then you're not usually tied into a bunch of irrational beliefs and are not always feeling hurt by getting let down, because you're not attached to ideals you don't need.
But... Excepting reality doesn't mean you need to give up on your life either.
Somewhere along the way of the last several years. I have really lost sight of who I am and who I wanted to be.

Thanks to that little bird... I'm going places!

"And I came into the world a walkin talkin disaster!" - Black 47

Well....
I'm alive still. I know, you can breath now. I forgot all about this thing. My life is some seriously weird dismal type balancing act... I can't sort it out... I have no direction.
What has changed?
Leon Hicks died... 9 years of friendship, Poof! He killed himself this past December and I took it all rather hard... ok I became an out and out alcoholic. Im okay now (I guess)
In school again (yes another degree, not art this time okay... happy!!)Psychology.
Another divorce.
Oh yeah a few relationships gone wild....

But yes...I am still around, the world has not had enough of me yet! Lucky me!!

Wow time flies and I havent posted in a long time. I have had a lot happen since dec. I love my new house and enjoy working on it. I got as a job as librarian but had to quit because I am tired all the time, doctors aren't sure why. I am opening my own interior design busniess check out my NEW site... www.designinghq.com.

Well thats about it.
Amy

It's me again. I am trying to keep active so my back stops hurting. Sitting upright seems to help. We get the keys to our house today! So exciting! I need to find something fun to do. Hmmm. If anyone knows of any fun time wasters online let me know!
Amy

Okay well I am alive! Although this is without a doubt the worst pain I have ever experienced. I thought I was going die when I woke up after surgery. We get our house today. They brought the papers to us to sign yesterday since I couldnt walk. :)
Here is a link to see a picture of the house: http://realtor.com/Prop/1041479773
Copy and paste it. It will be repainted next summer, white and black with a red door. Right now it is UGLY. But it has alot of potential and we will have fun restoring it.
I am on my third day since the surgery and am able to sit in the computer desk chair so I guess I am recovering well. I can't wait until I am all better.
Well Happy New Years everyone.
Amy

Hello,
Well just to let everyone know. I went for my surgery friday and everything is OK I am on the mend at the Sheraton in Maryland. Woohoo, actually its boring and I am hurting but I am healing and hopefully this surgery will work and I wont hurt again for a long time. Who knows guess I will see.

I have been on hold for 20 minutes trying to cancel stamps.com. Isn' t this bad customer service? I guess they don't care if you are cancelling.

I just voted for Kerry, although I wish we had more choices than just Bush or Kerry. Bush is a dolt and Kerry who is atleast literate does not really impress either. It's like the lesser of two evils. I should have just wrote myself in. What am I talking about, I don't trust my decisions either!

Its....Amy! Live from New York. Ok not really but that would be a trip! Okay I fell off the planet and got lost in outer space for a while, as I am sure I will do again soon. Surprise its me Im posting to my BLOG. Doesnt Blog sound like a cold?
Doctor: Im sorry you have a blog. Take two of these and call me in the morning!
~
I am such a goof ball. :)
~
My Uncle died today after a very long battle with pancreatic cancer keep his family in your prayers. He can now live happily without pain and hopefully meet a pretty great guy! :)
~O0O~
I have been working like a dog - where did this saying come? I have never seen a dog work at all. Lets try that again.
I have been working like a ant. After all I am realitively small in the universe. I dont really carry twice my weight on my back but grandma is heavy. I dont carry her on my back either but some days it feels as if I may have.
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I have not had time for much personal, spiritual or any type of growth. It is hard on the whole family, Grandma got worse, hopefully she will get better soon and I can have the weekends off again.
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I have been going to gym fairly regularly to try to maintain some type of good health, I really dont like to workout but I have no choice, doing nothing did not seem to work to well!

okay ththththththats all fffffolks!